Todays topic I would like to discuss, relationships.
So last friday I was in my color theory class. The project that was presented to us was to create a "double self-portrait". What's this you ask? Allow me to further explain as best I can. It's a color theory class so you can only use colors, your end result should be abstract. You have to put the colors and shapes together in way that gives your peers just as well as onlookers a feel of who you are. Now to the double part. The piece should be in three parts, the first one is you. Then comes something you have a relationship with. This can be from anything to a plant, your dog or friends or just basically whatever. Then the third part is what happens when the two of you interact or get together, Best example, you a guitar and what happens when you get together. So the four hours of class my professor was trying to get us to see was what is a relationship? When your in a relationship do you expect anything in return?
Half the class said no. this is complete and utter bullshit. Of course you want something in return. Think about it if you put so much time into something your always giving and giving and you get nothing in return at some point you give up and walk away.
That class seriously opened my eyes. It pertained to a situation in my life I'm going through now with my best friend. Well I use that term loosely because now a days I feel like I don't know my friend anymore. I think in order to get to a sense of peace within I need to vent a little and fuck, that's why I have this blog for huh? Well here it goes
The first stage I went through was the usual, there was someone new so I was tossed to shit. This is something I'm familiar with so it didn't phase me that much. I was /am super happy for you, if someone deserves happiness I think it you. You can be such an amazing person but lately I've seen such a shitty side of you and it fucking sucks. I try and put this front like I don't give a shit, but I can't help but be so fucking pissed off, which bring me to my second stage. I get so fucking mad that I feel like I'm loosing my friend. I feel like I spend so much of my time saying how I feel and honestly it doesn't get through to you or maybe you just don't give a shit. At first I would send countless amounts of texts to which I was getting empty replies, eventually I got no responses. Then thinking I was proving a point I said shit I wont send anything then she'll realize, damn I never text her. I got nothing. I mean way to kick someone while their down huh, but I guess this friendship to you isn't worth saving. I had this though in my head that our friendship meant something but by the looks of it, it doesn't mean shit. I feel like I've tried so much to get my point across, to get my feelings heard and no matter how many times I say it nor how many different ways I say it, it just doesn't matter, I don't matter. I'm to the point where I'm writing this for me, I don't care what you have to say anymore. There's just so much a person can take. I honestly can't take being thrown to shit every time someone comes around. It fucking hurts. It fucking hurts that I'm not important enough for me to be in your life anymore. It sucks but there's nothing else that I can do, because it doesn't matter how hard I fucking try, I just don't think your on the same page. I'm to the point where when you finally realize this, I might not be there anymore.
FUCK.
I feel a little better. I think in order to become at peace with yourself you have to face your demons. You have to be able to let go, and well I think I just let go.
Until Next time Kiddos..
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